Facebook Poker Players

If you’ve played poker on Facebook for some time, you must have come across these poker champs:

5. Casanova & Fanny Hill

His idea of playing poker is to chat up any girl with a pretty/slutty profile picture. In she comes and he buys her a glass of Champagne. And she happily chats up this random guy on the Internet…

Why is it bad?

Because somebody needs to tell these love birds that we’re here to play poker – if we wanted to see things that would make us puke, we’d buy (download, really) Paris Hilton’s sex tapes (Vol. 1 – 27). Or look for Bill & Hillary’s version.

And it gets worse…

The interesting part? Their public “courtship” doesn’t stop them from betting against each other like pros going at it. That just leaves you with a warm and fuzzy feeling about their new found romance.

Plus, I can’t get the thought out of my mind – what if these people were to meet in real life and have kids? Is the world ready for that? Are you?

4. The Brothers

Ok – so I’ve seen this only with guys. A couple of guy friends/brothers/lovers are on the same table. One would be a much better player than the other (let’s call the first the Butch and the second the Bitch). The Butch will, obviously, have an order of magnitude more chips than the Bitch.

The Bitch will play badly and and lose all his chips  in couple, maybe even a single, hand. The Butch will then give chips to the Bitch – so that the Bitch can continue to lose his money in the next couple of hands.

Girls don’t do this – they are too bitchy to be nice to each other like this.

Why is it bad?

Because it’s like TARP – you don’t need to pay even if you make a mistake – somebody will bail you out.

And it gets worse…

Simply put, The Bitch doesn’t give you the satisfaction of teaching him a lesson or two about playing poker – even if he plays badly, he doesn’t need to quit.

3. The Cheaters

They will sit diametrically across each other on the table so that there is as many people as possible between them. If one of them gets a good hand, he will signal for the other to raise. He will then re-raise and his partner would re-re-raise – this goes on untill a couple of people drop out of the hand – but they manage to get most people to bet more money than they normally would have.

Telltale giveaway? They also act like The Brothers – if one of them is short on chips, the other will pitch in.

Why is it bad?

Because I can’t dish out the same treatment to them that Matt Damon & Edward Norton got at policeman’s game in Rounders.

And it gets worse…

They ruin perfectly good tables – tables on which are there some juicy fat cats for me to skin…er no…excellent players against whom I would want to try my poker wits.

2. Dude who’s going to call you – no matter what

This stud thinks that poker’s all about balls.

This badass doesn’t understand statistics or probability – there’s the Ace, Six, Two and Queen of Clubs with a Five of Diamonds on the table someone had raised pre-flop. He has absolutely nothing – not even a pair of twos. But he will call the guy holding the King of Clubs.

Why is it bad?

Because he will call everyone equally aggressively and give them all his money – making them chip leaders – even when they played a bad hand.

And it gets worse…

The one time you’re holding the nuts, he decides not to call.

1. Mr. All-Or-Nothing

He has only two betting strategies: fold pre-flop or go all in – there is no other option.

Why is it bad?

Because this guy turns poker from a game of skill to that of luck – simply puts in all his money and hopes for the best. He’ll make you fold a hand which you might have otherwise played.

The sly ones, if they win, will get up and “bank” their winnings and buy in again at the lowest table limit – so that they have an upper limit to how much they can lose.

And it gets worse…

There are the ones who go all in on premium hands like Pocket Rockets or suited Ace-King – but then there are those who go all in if their cards feel “hot” – they’ll bet on an unsuited 2-8 if they feel that they’re going to win that round. And sometimes they do. And you’d called them because you were holding a suited Ace-King.

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