The Wit And Wisdom of Abu Falafel

Abu Falafel, the wise and holy man of ancient Egypt, accompanied his friend Mustafa and his retinue of a hundred friends, family and well wishers to ask for the Sheikh’s beautiful daughter’s hand in marriage.

They traveled for forty days and forty nights across the raging desert to arrive at their destination – the Sheikh’s palace.

The Sheikh knew of Abu Falafel’s reputation as  the King’s personal friend and loyal adviser and did not want to offend him by refusing to marry his daughter to Falafel’s friend.

So, the wily Sheikh asked this of the prospective groom: “My daughter should be married into a healthy and hearty family – so I ask you this – you can have my daughter’s hand in marriage if each and every member of the marriage party eats one whole cooked goat, chewing it down to the bone.”

Mustafa lost all hope after hearing this – he simply thought that there was no way that each man, woman and child of the marriage party could eat a goat on their own.

But some of the members of the party did not want to give up so easily and knew that Abu Falafel would have the answer to this problem – he always has answers to all problems.

They  implored Abu Flafel, the wisest and holiest of men in all of Egypt, to help them out of this predicament. Abu Falafel thought about this for a moment – his face covered with his trademark pensive frown.

Then it hit him! He cleared his throat, as he is wont to before talking about matters eclectic and religious and said to the Sheikh – “Are you batshit crazy, you fucktard?”

There was much rejoicing. They walked back for forty days and forty nights. Mustafa never married.


Abu Falafel, the seeker of divine secrets and true knowledge, was traveling across Egypt to soak himself in the vast sea of knowledge that was the Alexandria library.

He traveled for forty days and forty nights across the raging desert to arrive at his destination and lo and behold – he was confronted by Sphinx, the most elegant, powerful and intelligent of the beasts.

And the Sphinx said to Abu Falafel – “I am the mighty Sphinx – a beast amongst beasts. My power is unquestionable – even the gods fear me. None shall pass till they answer my riddle.

So mere mortal – answer this this riddle or prepare to die: What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs during the day and three legs in the evening?”

Abu Falafel knew that this was a easy question for a man of his learning and intelligence and he thought about this for a moment – his face covered with his trademark pensive frown.

Then it hit him! Abu Falafel, the most peace loving and patient man in the whole of Egypt,  looked calmly at the Sphinx – and shot it in the face with a .44 Magnum.

The Sphinx is still sore about it’s missing nose.


Abu Falafel, the most pure and chaste of all men in Egypt, was traveling across the barren landscape to cleanse himself of any impure thoughts he might have had in the past or may have in the future.

He had traveled for forty days and forty nights across the raging desert when he came upon his friend Mustfa’s (the other one) dwelling and decided to stay the night.

Mustafa (the other one) had just married the fairest damsel in the whole of Egypt, a girl whose beauty was only matched by her virtuousness as a maiden.

Mustafa (the other one’s) wife knew of Abu Falafel’s reputation as a wise and learned man, for whom no problem was difficult and so she asked him this privately – “Oh Abu Falafel! I love my husband Mustafa (the other one) – he is an honest and good man. But he asks me to do things in the bed that no girl with my sensitive background would have even heard of! For example, he once asked me to <beep> <beep> panties <beep> paddle <beep> <beep> <beep>. Oh sage man – what shall I do?”

Abu Falafel thought about this damsel’s distress and pitied her predicament. He knew that he had to solve the problem of this fair lady – one who had never heard such crudness in her life –  his face covered with his trademark pensive frown.

Then it hit him! Abu Falafel, the most wholesome and proper of all men in Egypt, looked compassionately at the young bride and said – “Baby, it only seems kinky the first time.”

Mustafa (the other one) is a very happy man.

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